Mark Chapman's Weblog

I have a rather different take on the whole football debacle that, amongst other things, has seen a wild bout of collective anger and depression. I am half Croatian on my mother's side and I cannot help feeling a certain pride in my one half's success.

It is true that I can only speak a few words of Serbo-Croat ('goodnight', 'thank you' and, for some reason, 'chicken'), but I am determined to pump up a bit of nationalistic pride. I have bought a checkered Croatian flag and display it with pride from my bedroom in North West London. I have also photoshopped a huge picture of a snarling, entirely umbrella-free, red-blooded Slaven Bilic, his fist pumping in delight at his defeat of England. There will be inevitable drawbacks (not to mention the danger of violent reprisals - remember Euro '96 and the mass vandalism of BMWs and Mercedes) to living in a country full of Mac-losers and have decided I must assert my Croatianness.

Firstly, as Croatia are now most certainly going to win the European Championships, the World Championships and, quite possibly, some kind of Universe Championship involving cartoon characters, I cannot let the collective shame rub off on me. I have been distancing myself from my English brethren, not least because they all keep pining for 1966, and a World Cup most of them missed because of the unfortunate fact that they had not been born yet.

Secondly, I have decided to release a special European Championship song, dedicated to my heroes. I have only got as far as the first verse, but it goes a little like this:

England, Oh England you are now so sour,
Sour, sour like a grapefruit.
Croatia, Oh Croatia this is our hour,
Go on Kranjcar - shoot, shoot, shoot!

It's obviously a work in progress but, if I could get Kate Nash to sing the England stuff (her ersatz East End accent and love of singing about fruit will suit the piece perfectly) and Tony Henry to belt out something a little racy, I think I'm on for a winner.

Lastly, I have started eating a lot more Croatian food. Unfortunately they mostly seem to eat vast quantities of red meat which, given the War on Carcinogenic Food, has left me in a bit of a quandary. I'm not sure how much more salami I can take and may have to hang my head, open my umbrella and join the rest of the English under the rain